For as long as I can remember, my brain has always been able to hold more than I can physically get out fast enough. I came to terms with this long ago. Does this put me on some pedistal of geniusness? Heck no. On the contrary, it’s the most roller coaster battle between flesh and Spirit I could possibly comprehend. For a long time I didn’t even want it. Imagine…what if you were an amazing paper boat and you’re stranded on an island. You know you’ve been given this ability, but it makes no sense at this point in time to be a paper boat. You will swell and sink at best. How frustrating that would be. But you know no other way. You’ve submitted your soul and entire being to developing your craft the best way to leverage yourself for a greater plan. You’re just living out what you’ve been given, right? But why the heck would God make you into a paper boat and place you on an island? If we are promised the desires of our heart (if they are first of God’s plan) then what are you to do when your plan is met with constant opposition? Like, what if you are the president of the country, and every time you try to do your job, people are quickly assuming negativity of your character, your intentions, etc. That would be some torture to live in. It’s the weird version of insanity wearing a reality suit. I’m just trying to be Carol wearing a Jesus suit. Rachel Yamagata’s Elephants said it best “If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember. It’s no wonder how they scream. Like you and I they must have some temper.” And isn’t that true? But why does life have to be this way so often?

Church always has a Sunday school answer. I’ve heard some of the best messages given by people so annointed with His Word and His will, but if I run into them in a grocery store, they immediately put on their “church” mask, or they actually become some other person altogether. I realize you have to be someone on different levels (a parent, a child, a friend, a coworker, etc.) and you can’t always engorge yourself with lifes moments that you are spread thin. But what about just a little consistancy of character…even just a little bit. I mean really. I’ve met plenty of people who are the same giving a message as when I run into them in a grocery store…and that, to me, is how God would have it. Thus why I am thoroughly confused and somewhat broken when I hear abundant life breathed through the Word, and yet I don’t get that depth on any other level from that same person. What am I even supposed to do with that? Obviously I take the good Word and walk away. But what if you are involved with this person on a regular basis. What if you are involved with certain people who regularly meet you with their opposition and you are the paper boat. Yes, this is about being one body, one fluid motion of love dancing over everyday spaces, every day people, everyday places. Sunday school answers say “be open to the Spirit working in your life, be open to God doing the impossible, be a believer of the Good things to come based on faith, not understanding, be sharpened and refined in His image.” But then when you try to lend a thought or two God has put in your giant head, you are met with “be flexible, give grace, and remember, no church is perfect” as though your thoughts were meant for harm or to make quarrels amongst the body. Wait a second…your heart was just trying to be the paper boat you were created to be though.

By now you are thoroughly confused, presumptuous, or oddly more interested. Either way, read on. The Bible talks a lot about teamwork and being one Body. I believe that the Spirit speaks to us as a whole. Ephesians 4:16 tells us “From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” So what happens to the body when they aren’t being held together by the common “joints” between them which is their bond, and lifting each other up in love? Should we not be doing this everyday? Should we accept this mediocre effort as being good enough to count for God’s sake? I think not. But we get mighty comfortable quoting scriptures that have no real home in our hearts. If we could be more like God, and bring this Word into existence, what would it look like played out? Would we be willing to put in the time every day, every occasion, if there’s a chance it would make God smile a bit more? Sign me up. I want nothing less. But it seems when I talk about this word in my own life amongst others, it’s often met with opposition and assumptions of a false character. Woops, I was just sharing my heart. Now how do I get myself outta this one. I didn’t put myself there…others did, but it’s the space I have to live in. I desire a body building each other up with love, His love, so much so that our personal flesh is seen in hindsight, if at all. I desire a practical situation where people with a common bond or joint will openly recognize that connection and be eager to encourage their brother/sister, because this is how you become scripture lived out. I could worry about what we become if we don’t do this, what kind of body we become then, disjointed and weak. (Yes, this is where I currently find myself, and not by my choice.) But the enemy will not ever get a foothold so strong in me that he entirely steals my joy to a level that cannot be rejuvinated by the Holy Spirit. Try as it might, that will never happen. In the mantime, I do live in the occasional agony and brokenness.

1 Corinthians 12:12-31 talks about being one unified body when it says “ For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body…”

It goes on to say “The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? But earnestly desire the higher gifts.”….No, each person is as they were made in the body, and should not be twisted or pulled into any direction but the one they were meant to be, by the encouragement and humble love of promoting the Lord’s way in them through that gifting.

….So why is that all relevant? Well, this is where my struggle lies. Why don’t we do this? If a kid in a class is really smart, naturally gifted, it may be natural for the teacher to give more than adequate praise to that child. If a child is slow, needs attention, or is otherwise a problem of sorts, they generally get ignored, pinned as “that kid” and are left to just pass on, no one really investing more in them. Isn’t that backwards though? Should we give adequate praise to the smart child, but give more encouragement to the child who’s giftings have yet to be developed? Aren’t those kids considered the less honorable body parts? Why don’t we have the same care for one another, no favor, or ulterior motive present. Why don’t we just live each day having the same care for each other in one body, lifting the other up in strength, rather than claiming their weakness. We will never be a healthier body if this is our approach. I believe this, because this is what the Bible speaks on. Plus, I see it’s consequence in the world around me. Go figure. I see what a body looks like when its members are not lifting each other up, or being moved by the disonence amongst them, and it breaks my heart because it can very easily be somthing so much more for His glory. Surely a God who goes on to say “And I will show you a still more excellent way.” deserves this kind of glory.

Philippians 2:1-9 really is resounding in my world right now as well. “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” So how can I find any comfort from love if there is no humility amongst the body as a whole? Great, I do my conscious part as best I can, but I am not the body, I am but one part. I desperately desire to be a part of a body that sees themselves daily striving for ways to be more humble amongst each other so that His love may truly shine with ease, and the work of that body will flow accordingly, and all will be amazed. But again, if the weight of that effort is put on only a few in that body, then it is only as good as its weakest part. Therefore, I am broken by this and will be for some time I think. And I am thankful to God that He has given me such a soft heart for the raw beauty it was made for. I thank Him that no matter how painful it is for me to endure, it shall be endured because He is so beautiful and the center of all I know and all I have yet to understand.

Scene.

So yesterday, I had an awesome moment. I just had to share it with you. Why? Because it represents the simplest of things that make such a huge impact. I went to KFC after work because my cupboards are basically bare, and then stopped by the auto parts store to pick up car wash and wax. When I walked into KFC, I already knew what I was going to get. They have a very simple, basic grilled chicken sandwich meal for cheap and it’s pretty delish. I walk in and there’s only one lady up front handling customers. They weren’t overly packed, but when families are ordering their bucket specials, it takes some time to fry that chicken! So she recognizes me at the front and tells me she’ll be with me in just a minute. She says so with that sweet home town care and willingness to serve. I appreciate this even though my stomach is really growling by this point.

So she’s finishing up a few orders and there’s only one cook toward the back. I wonder for a moment why she couldn’t just go ahead and take my order and add it to a list somewhere, but I am reminded of patience and a loving heart. I wait probably a solid 5 minutes before she even gets to taking my order. Meanwhile, a couple of other employess had come in with food obviously eating on break or something. I think to myself, man how long before they come back on shift? How long has this one woman had to take care of everyone by herself? So After she takes my order and I kindly speak with much appreciation, I ask her if she’s the only one they have planned to run this up here in a dinner shift? She eyes the employee who came in with food and states that she’ll have help when they get back from break soon. That made me feel better for her. It’s one thing to take on everything by yourself. It’s another to do so with a servants heart.

She tells me my grilled chicken sandwich will take about 8 minutes, since it’s cooked to order and asks me if I’d like to wait or order something else. Despite my growling tummy monster, I agree to make a healthier decision and wait it out…and with a smile on. I got to sit at a table and make a phone call while I wait. As my name is called, I walk up to the counter and request ranch to go with it. Her attitude is perfect, and I appreciate so much in that moment. I think of everything she may be going through on the job, at home, in her own heart, etc. while I sit down to my fresh, hot, delish meal.

I begin eating and I think about an obvious small thing that no one does anymore. I want to give feedback on how GREAT of a job she is doing. More often than not in this world, we are so quick to complain when someone’s robbed us of our entitlements but we forget we have a choice everyday in how we live, speak, and act. So I chose to do the thing that is an option, but one often left behind…I wanted to leave POSITIVE feedback on how Dotty was doing on the job. Working in food, we rarely get noticed for doing the right job. I didn’t feel like she wanted to be noticed for just doing her job, but I wanted to provide encouragement to her because not only did she do her job, but she did it with a servants heart when she had a choice to do otherwise. I got up, went back up to the counter and got the attention of another woman who had now come onto her shift. I asked if they had a comment card or something to provide feedback. I also asked what “the other lady’s” name was. I didn’t spot her to point her out at first, because she was a little all over the place trying to take an order now at the window. She must have overheard my request, because she turned in attention to me from the window, as did another woman on shift. At this point, I have the attention of three employees for a brief moment, simply because I ask for something they aren’t used to as a request.

There’s that slight look of panic in Dotty’s eye as she jokingly states “I didn’t do it Carol.” I return with the same joking tone not for her to worry, it’s a positive note that I want to make. “I just wanted to leave positive feedback on your service with me today. I really appreciate it.” They all looked at me for a moment as though I had just spoken to them in Chinese all of a sudden. This sort of amazed me for a moment because it became completely obvious to me that their daily experience included being on guard for negative comments, and rarely included positive ones for the sake being positive. Dotty then walked over to me at the counter as they all relax into smiles. she handed me a little slip of paper with a phone number on it for feedback as well as a survey that would include me in a drawing for a thousand bucks. She explained to me what I would do when I called to get entered. At this point, she’s still trying to be helpful and serving, drawing attention to what most people would be more excited about…the money. As I smile back, I thank her and go back to my table, prepared to make the call when my belly is no longer empty.

While I’m eating, Dotty comes out and sits down at my table with a pen to write her name down. I requested it when I asked for the initial comment card and remembered it verbally, but she wanted to make sure I had her name. I asked for the branch number as well…as I have made this kind of call before and remembered that it usually required a branch number too. She wrote it down and quickly went back to work as I thanked her again. What’s my point? Why don’t we do this anymore? It’s such a simple gesture of encouragement put in place by our choice to take action for the betterment of someone else.

We have seriously become so busy that we forget these options even exist. It’s easy to be reminded to say hello to a stranger at church, or even helping an old lady with her groceries, because the need is obvious and right in our face. Plus, we put ourselves in that place and choose to have eyes that see the obvious of how to help. But…what about the opportunities that aren’t so obvious? What about those who need help, encouragement, or something more, but they never make a point to cry out, and we never make a point to inquire of more than surface level circumstance?

I want to have a heart that seeks for more than just convenient opportunities to show love to others. To me, that use of convenience seems to be part of the profile in the standard “Christian” anyway. Wake up, look for the obvious helping opportunities, and call it good. But I’m human too. I’m hurting too. I know that more often than not, people don’t wear the depth of their heart on their sleeves, and I want to be in tune with what moves God…not just what moves me. This means I will look beyond the obvious cry for help. This means I won’t wait until someone’s in need to be a light to them. I will CHOOSE to be a light of flowing Godly energy to people before they are in need. Because the whole point is to constantly be pouring in and filling each other up with love, not waiting till we’re about empty before we hope someone notices. Choosing to have these lenses on and show this kind of love and respect was an honor for me…and honor most overlook because it “won’t mean anything anyway.” But I disagree. Making that phone call made my day, and probably my week to be honest. All I know is it brought something to that woman that she should receive this kind of encouragement often, as we all should. I love living beyond myself all for the glory of His name. I didn’t have to preach, I didnt’ have to let her in on the fact that I was even a Christian. All I had to do was care and take action when the Holy Spirit called, so I did just that. And I can’t wait for the next opportunity….woops, sorry, gotta go…it’s calling right now! =)

I read this today from a guy’s profile, a guy that I respect a lot more than I will ever let him know. You should read this and give your brain a small jolt before the weekend. just to see what happens…

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there—on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth… is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

-Carl Sagan “Pale Blue Dot” 1994

Ugh. I feel like crap today. Yeah. It’s one of those days. And this is how it came about…

It is important that you become secure with who you are in this life, and if you’re not secure, change what needs to be changed in order to be that secure person. Otherwise, it impacts the person you are with in a tough way, regardless of how secure they already are in themselves. I struggled when I was younger with feeling secure, and for the most part, I’ve overcome that. It sucks though when the insecurity of the one you love makes all of those insecurities of yours come out of nowhere.

I understand the reality, which is that men like different looks for different reasons, and that doesn’t always mean that they want to ‘get with her’ or wish she was theirs. And thankfully, they don’t all go down that road. But what if they just peek down that road now and then, kick the dirt a few times, and humor the fact that the road exists? Is that ok? does that provide security for the one he says he loves? I just don’t know how to stomach this one exactly, but then, you could tell couldn’t you.

I look at these things that are so appealing about other women my age. And TRUST me, I get it. If I were a guy, I would definitely understand how she is so pretty because she’s always smiling. And she’s always smiling because she lives an easier life, with less personal responsibility. And she lives that life because someone else is there for her, handling the tough stuff when she just doesn’t feel like handling it herself. And she has problems too, but they are easily forgotten, and yes, life truly goes on for her without much stress. (Unless you consider which purse to buy a big stressor.) And what a breath of fresh air that is to live so care free. I’m attracted to similar ways of living as well. that’s partially why I’m with the man I love. He comes from that easier road, and in a fantasy, I’d love to just live on a whim like he does when he dreams. I truly wish it were something capable of just me to pull off. But the truth is, it’s not. For my life to become more my own, I have to embrace what makes it tough in order to make it of more value. That sounds great, but dang is that a lot of work. And sometimes, I just want to be care free like her. I want someone else to track the finances and make sure bills get paid. I want someone else to bear the burden of knowing my credit isn’t what it should be, and it’s only because I truly thought I was doing myself a favor by taking out smaller school loans, only to shift those other needs to the handy dandy credit card. I want someone else to clean my place, and do my laundry, and shop for necessities.

Then maybe I’d have more time for photography practice. Maybe I’d have more available thoughts for dreaming, which would cause me to smile more. Maybe I’d have more time for adventure and last minute awesomeness. Maybe I’d find out new things in life to help write my attractive story. Yeah, I could handle that.

So what do you do when you don’t have those things, and your life isn’t that way, and you don’t look good sweaty or stressed out, and life is hard - you being the only one to bear it? You press onward. If it weren’t for God’s strength, I certainly wouldn’t make it out of bed each morning, so there’s definitely a miracle in that. But this life doesn’t reward you for your hard work like the eternal will. This life contains so many people striving after that picture, that it doesn’t make the normal feel like they are normal. If life is hard for those who walk the path of true success, then why then don’t we have more support from each other? If all I need is a little help from my friends (cliche, I know) then why can’t I get by with a little help from my friends? Again, I’m not saying lean on them in a way that only the Lord can, I’m just saying family and community is God’s practical hug. And it’s a tough life (tougher than it should be) for those who don’t get many hugs. So what’s a girl to do after this many years? It can’t last this way you know. Something will give. Something with break. Sigh. Back to work…